


And I want you close

by youremyheatpad



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:59:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youremyheatpad/pseuds/youremyheatpad
Summary: It's late. I can't sleep, guess the best thing to do is just writing my thoughts down





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is the first thing i've ever published. And i am just trying to make sense of my head.  
> The times you see at the end and beginning are realtime for when i was writing this.  
> And it's up to you who's who in this fic

It’s 0.45AM 

And you’re not mine, I know you can never be, our situations don’t allow it. Every time I think I am closer to getting over you, you just pull me in again. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy and cared for. Like I could maybe someday be something more to you. 

That’s a silly thought though, but it is the one keeping me awake now. And most other nights if I'm honest, but I like to pretend it's not that often. It's just hey I keep wanting more, what excatly I don't know. It feels a lot like wishing for something from nothing. Because that’s what we got. Noting. Well, arguably we're good friends, but it's a strained one. A non ideal friendship because I could never keep my head in check and my feelings under control. Keeping head and heart separate was harder than I thought it'd be. 

It’s not fair, you know. I adore you, I miss you when you’re not around, and you're the first person I wanna talk to about things that happen. Happy things, sad things, frustrating things, confusing things. You're my go to person for pretty much everything and is that so wrong? It might not be fully mutual, but I know you trust me. I want to spend time with you. You mean so much to me, and you’ll never know, not in the way I want you to at least. Not because I haven’t been dropping hints, I don’t know how many hints I’ve dropped. But I know you, and I can tell it when you’re giving the soft no. You don't truly want this. Yet, you do nothing to stop me when I initiate something. It's so confusing, and I can't decide if I love it or hate it when you let me be close with you. We're on shaky ground. Because of my undefined feelings and your hesitation. 

And I don’t blame you. It is a situation or hesitation is necessary, and of this is your fault. It is just easier for me to blame it on you. To tell myself that I wasn’t the one who fucked up by reading more into things. The movie nights with far too close cuddling or the “accidental-kiss-turned-make-out” nights, or even just letting me close as a friend. And then i began hoping. A very bad thing that happended. I had, maybe still have, hope that you might see me as more than just a friend, even if still mainly friends. I am left wondering; will I ever mean even a fraction of what you mean to me? Will you ever even consider that your feelings might be more that strictly platonic? I fear the answers, some part of me desperately wants the answer to be yes, but I can’t help but feel that no is the more probable one. 

I hate that I want you to be mine, I can’t stand it. I know you feel more towards someone else, and that I am not the only person in your life you kiss casually from time to time. I know that, and it stings a little hearing you talk about it with such excitement and genuine enthusiasm. But I keep smiling and gossiping with you.  
I’d be damned if our friendship ends because I couldn’t handle a little jealousy. 

It’s 1.15 AM

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Heartlines by Broods


End file.
